No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
