i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
