I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want her autograph on my taint
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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