Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize