Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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