Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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