you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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