Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize