Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
