Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
