i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
