Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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