I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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