are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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