So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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