you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
