what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize