So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
