If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Pooping to opera.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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