I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
