capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
