Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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