You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
