They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
