we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
