overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
