Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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