I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
