ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
