How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
