btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
