Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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