time to smoke my breakfast
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
