I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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