I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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