Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize