I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
