Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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