My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
