wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
