it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
