Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
