Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
