So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
