I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
