I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
