i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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