Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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