got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm bleeding and have questions
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
