I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
