I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
