get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she told me i tasted like america
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
