This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
