i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
