Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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