No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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