I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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