I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My balls are so social today.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
50% drunk capacity currently
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
