just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
