when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
