dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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