he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
