Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
