So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
