Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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