every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
