So drunk its hurt
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
