I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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