I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
