The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
